Valentine’s Day! – Just a Hallmark holiday?
02/12/2009
I remember from high school on, that I despised Valentine’s Day. (Most likely because I rarely had a valentine of my own to celebrate with). The other reason was this idea that Hallmark alone was raking in tons of money from an invented holiday. “A day of love,” I used to scoff, as the idea felt ridiculous to me. All of this pressure to take someone out, shower them with material gifts, and buy all of the expected items takes all of the spontaneity out of the holiday.
My relationship with Valentine’s Day has been transforming the last few years as I have had a valentine have used the “cue” of this holiday to remember what I appreciate about my fiancée.
In working with couples and in reflecting upon my own relationship, it seems to be universal that over time – we all develop a comfort zone with our loved one – just as our own families have their comfort zone of what is acceptable behavior, conversation, etc. – and what is not.
What I notice is that over time, when couples (as well as with our families) stay in their comfort zones, the aliveness in a relationship begins to evaporate. We fall asleep into our “default” ways of being around each other and simply stay within the bounds of what is comfortable. When I am in this space in my own relationship, I tend to not notice and appreciate the little things, and may even develop certain expectations that may or may not get met. When these expectations form, then I will never be fully satisfied as:
they may get met – but then wonder if my partner took action from her own heart and volition
they may not get met
One of the bravest things that one can do in relationship is to begin to notice where we go asleep. Are there certain topics we are afraid to talk about? Are there ways that we have stopped getting curious about each other? Do I go through the motions on some task because I know it will please her, but my heart is not in it? Am I afraid to go for what I really want in relationship because it might rock the boat?
Are any of these questions familiar? I know that I have asked myself these very questions and have seen in my current and in past relationships where I have “outsourced” my own integrity in order to stay in relationship. Another way to say this is that I have wanted to stay comfortable in the unspoken rules that have formed in how we “do” relationship and therefore don’t want to risk changing the rules.
What I have found is that this kills polarity, aliveness, and wipes out the chance of having a GREAT relationship and instead settling on a mediocre one at best. This is often the place where couples will seek counseling or coaching, or maybe even skipped that step and have jumped into trying to get their aliveness needs met through affairs, overworking, or the multitude of other ways that humans avoid intimacy.
Not everyone wants a GREAT relationship as they say they do. Most people want to be comfortable, period. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable – and yet as one common phrase goes, “If we are not growing, we are dying.” It’s just that comfort as a goal is a very slow death, and sometimes more painful.
If you find yourself going down the slippery slope of “autopilot” in your relationship, then stop and take note! Literally, take a moment to yourself and notice where you lack appreciation, what are the ways you have been holding back your truths? How do you react when your needs don’t get met? Now is the chance to cultivate a great relationship. The choice is yours – you know what I am rooting for!
